Better That We Break
“Maybe it’s better off this way, it’s better that we break.”
Finger strumming her knees; biting her bottom lip in hopes to suppress her anxiety. Why was she anxious though? The drone like noises and continuous chatter filled the room and ran through her ears, but those weren't the things she wanted to hear. She jolted up from her seat, and walked around the room back and forth. The clock's ticking and it annoyed her. "Jessica we're not done with your hair yet!" Ignoring the shouting, she continued to march out of the room, feeling as agitated as she had ever been. Jessica needed to see her now. Not later, but now, this instant.
Her wish was granted, revealing her dream as she opened the door. Shocked, she couldn't move an inch. It took her exactly 1.2578 seconds to notice the one she longed to see was in front of her. Mouth struggled to open and just converse when Jessica felt her piercing stare was directed to her flabbergasted self. Inside, she was shouting, yelling and screaming 'hello
', but none escaped her lips.
"Can you move?"
Pangs struck her ferociously at the figure's bitter and cold tone. Lips quivered, Jessica moved to the side letting the shorter one pass through with a light shove on her left shoulder. But the light push felt like she had been bulldozed by some trucks. It hurt her, mentally. Oh so badly Jessica wanted to cry and let the tears flow in agony. Just maybe, by then, the pain could go away. Who was she kidding though? Jessica herself knew no matter how many tears were shed, the torment, the regret, the pain, would still be there; inside of her, eating her alive. She walked out of the crowded room, head hung low, and headed to the restroom. She thanked the heavens when there was no one around. Slamming the cubicle's door, Jessica immediately broke down, on her knees, wailing.
It was uncontrollable. The tears wouldn't stop and it had always been like this. She would choke on her tears and as ridiculous it might sound, she had once wished she'd die from her own tears. Jessica was just that depressed that she was on the verge of going numb. Hands covered her stained face, back leaned on the cubicle's wall, mind wandered nowhere. Though in the end, her mind would always go back to her devastating past. The unforgivable act and regret; how she wished she had a time machine right now. While crying her lungs out, Jessica's always haunted with one question on her mind; why did I end everything that we had?
"Jessie?" A voice broke out of nowhere. "Jessie where are you? Hey, c'mon come out now. We still need finish hair and make up." The voice's heels clicked, approaching where Jessica was hiding. Jessica pleaded to be alone, but she knew it was no use begging to this friend of hers, she's the persistent one and somehow, sometimes, she wished that her friend would just leave her all alone. "Jessie, please come out."
Standing up, Jessica dusted her shorts and grabbed some tissue paper; wiping the eerie stains of tears away from her. Inhale, exhale. She unlocked the door and stepped outside, forcing a crooked smile as she faced her friend. "Jessie..." A pair of arms snaked around her neck, holding her tight, stopping her from breaking to pieces. None of them said a word, Jessica gave in and hugged her best friend back. It soothed her; the warmth eased her and it did stop her from falling to a deeper pit of misery. The two best friends had a special bond; much like twins, they need not to say a word to understand each other's situations and problems. Though sometimes she would get on Jessica's nerves, Jessica was grateful enough. A best friend was just all she needed right now.
"It's okay, Tiff. I'm okay."
"Jess, give it some time. She'll get over it and you two can fix things up."
Jessica let go of the hug and pulled away. She scoffed as she looked away. "It's been two years, Tiff. I don't think she will get over it and I don't think she's able to forgive me." A bittersweet smile spread across her face and Tiffany noticed the solemn expression and sighed. Jessica placed her hands beside the edges of the sink and hung her head low. "I regret everything." she whispered, almost inaudible, but enough for Tiffany to hear.
"Why did you even break up with her?"
The street was crowded with numerous people and vans lining up. One by one, artists came out and walked in the red carpet, stopped and posed for their pictures to be taken by the press. Squeals and fan chants could be heard all over the area, even inside the vans. Jessica sighed silently, looking by the window at the pulsating throng and the nonstop flickering flashlights. "Okay girls, you can go out now." Jessica heaved another sigh, she was tired. Exhausted faking a smile here and there as if her life was full of sugars and rainbows, but no one but herself knew what's real. She stepped out, with the other members following suit. An enticing smile was plastered on her face, making the wild fans ranging from men to women shrieked in utter admiration and amazement. Inside, Jessica was about to cry.
The person she wanted was somewhere behind here, walking in the same lane. Oh so badly she wanted to turned her head and just take a look of the person, but she couldn't. They stopped in front of a wall full of sponsors, waving hello to the crowd of reporters and photographers. In the corner of her eye, she noticed she had the opportunity that their leader would stand by beside her. The latter glanced at Jessica, making her knees weak. Just a simple and subtle glance could make her like this, she was that influential to Jessica. To her dismay, the shorter lad gestured Tiffany to walk ahead, placing her in between. Of course, Tiffany wasn't dense, she knew the leader's intention, and yet she had to comply. Jessica wanted to break down and cry, again. She knew she couldn't and she had learned how to just momentarily hold it in. And so she did. She continued to wave hello and bowed when they introduced themselves. It wasn't even their performance yet, but Jessica was already exasperated.
The girls looked around for a while, hands wobbling to their fans, smiling to their screaming. Jessica glanced to her right and she noticed there were strands of Tiffany's jet-black hair caught glued on her bottom lip. Being attentive as she was, Jessica shot her hand up and swept away the hair. Right at that instant, the girl on Tiffany's left was too looking at her and both her and Jessica stared momentarily. Jessica flinched at her cold glare before turning away. "Are you okay, Jess?" Tiffany asked. Jessica could only nod, shaking her hand; telling her that she was okay.
She was not okay. How could she be okay after their leader, her love, Kim Taeyeon, gave her that revolting, repulsing and disgusted look on her face? Behind that mesmerizing smile, Jessica wished nothing but to end her life.
"Jessie..." Tiffany called from behind. Jessica wished Tiffany would leave her alone, for now, not after she saw Taeyeon showering her best friend with her utmost attention. She continued to walk to their waiting room, acting and pretending she didn't hear and know anything. "Jessie! Will you stop and listen to me!" Tiffany frustratedly yelled. She flinched at her best friend's change of tone that she had to stop. A hand on her shoulder forced her to turn around, revealing Jessica with her pristine eyes, tears were on the verge of falling. Tiffany sighed, "Jessie, you need to tell her."
"Tell her what, Tiff!? And how can I even talk to her when she doesn't even want to talk to me!"
"Then tell me! Just tell me why you dumped her just like that in the first place? It's been two years, Jessie. And I still don't know why you guys broke up. Taeyeon doesn't want to talk about it and I didn't push her even further because I know she'll fall back to depression again. But you?" She ranted, sighing for the second time before continuing. Jessica could only listen as she held her tears in. "You're my best friend and you have never talked about it. You used to tell me everything, but not this. I thought you really didn't want to talk about it because maybe you just want to get over it. But clearly I was wrong. It's eating you alive, Jess. You need to tell someone about it. Talk to me."
"But I did talk to you." Jessica muttered between her sobs. "You've helped me, a lot and you're still helping me - "
"By taking care of Taeyeon? By making Taeyeon fall in love with me? Bullshit!" The duo was using English by now and luckily, there were no passerby around to hear Tiffany's loud yelling. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"Shut up, Tiff. Shouldn't you be happy now that you have Taeyeon's full attention? I know you've always liked her, heck, I think you love her!" Jessica backed away, jeering at her friend. She slithered her fingers to her brown locks, groping them to its' roots. She gritted her teeth, she was losing it.
"W - what are you talking about?" Tiffany stuttered.
"Don't play dumb, Tiff. I've always knew you love her, now I don't know what made you back down but I knew for sure you still have feelings for her. Now that we've broken up, and plus, the fact that she hates me right now, you should at least be thankful to me!"
All those rants Jessica was blabbering about, left Tiffany speechless. She didn't completely understand what it was all about, but being a sensitive self-centered person Tiffany was, she couldn't help but to feel she was a part of her best friend's break up. It shocked her too knowing her best friend knew about her secret feelings toward Jessica's ex. "Are you saying I'm the reason why you two broke up?"
"Fuck! No! God damn it, no!" Jessica was enraged. She gritted her teeth so hard, panting heavily. "Tiff! I broke up with her because - because..." She stammered getting the words out. Why was it so hard for her to tell her own best friend the real reason why? Now that she thought about it, it was a pretty - no, a really stupid reason. Jessica blinked twice, all of her expression fell flat. "Because nothing lasts forever." A sense of reality hit her hard.
"Girls hurry up, we're up in 15."
Tiffany nodded toward the direction of the voice. Her gaze was back to the sniffling brunette, pity was what she felt. Shooting her hands up to Jessica's cheeks and cupped them, eyes filled with sincerity. "Jessie, no matter how much you force me, or force her, you can't make her fall in love with me. Her heart's already belong to someone."
The brunette looked up to her, confused. Someone?
She thought. "Her heart belongs to none other than the person who broke it in the first place."
Nine girls had finished their performance professionally without a flaw. Artists gathered together during the ending as the colorful confetti trickled down from the ceiling, with laughters enveloping them. Amidst the blasting music and euphoric scene, Jessica beamed her brightest smile and laughed when her members joked around her. Seohyun, the youngest out of all nine, jumped in ecstasy and hugged her when she spotted the brunette fiddling with the confetti that fell on top of her head. Jessica smiled at the contact and returned the hug. Across where she stood, her eyes darted to the girl with highlighted ends at the tip of her hair. It was Taeyeon. They were both in the same group, living in the same dorm, practice in the same studio, but all those meant nothing and was the total opposite of what she felt. Why are we so distant? It feels so close, yet so far away.
After all the commotion, all nine girls headed back to their dorm. The ride home was agonizing for Jessica. Seeing her broken love laughing away with the others, as if there was nothing going on between them. Taeyeon didn't even give Jessica a look nor asking her to join in the conversation. Why are you so cold to me?
She thought out loud, loud enough for the others to hear; interrupting their conversation. "You say something, Sica?" Startled, she shook her head vigorously; oblivious of a pair of a lone eyes watching her silently.
It was dark, the creamy disc was clouded, nothing shone except for the dimly lit streetlights. Going back to the dorm, being under the same roof with her past (and possibly, last) love would only devastate her even more. She wanted, and needed to be alone. Just for now. "I'm gonna go out for a walk."
Everyone stopped their tracks except for the tallest who were already inside their door. "Sica, it's like 10PM."
"It's just for a while. I'm gonna buy some ice creams too." Jessica said, eyes gazing over Taeyeon's. Jessica knew how much the kid leader loved ice creams and little did Taeyeon know that Jessica was the one who kept track on the ice creams on the fridge. "We ran out of stock." She stiffed a laugh before vanishing to the darkness. The others shrugged and went inside, except for two. Taeyeon stood there, eyes never leaving the figure disappearing before her.
She reluctantly pulled her head and locked her gaze with the raven haired girl's stare. "Let's go inside, yeah?"
"Go after her."
But Taeyeon didn't listen to her. She kept on walking, tugging Tiffany's hand and intertwined it with hers. "It's really late now, Fany. We should get some rest."
"No!" Tiffany rampaged, yanking her hand away from Taeyeon's. "Enough of this! I can't take it anymore, Tae!"
"What do you mean?"
"You and Jessica! Stop lying to yourself!" She stomped. Tears were slowly forming in the corner of her eyes, but she wasn't going to stop. "She loves you, and you obviously still love her!" Taeyeon tried to retaliate but soon was cut off with a finger in front of her face. "Stop. Don't you even dare denying." Tiffany gritted her teeth, suppressing her entire mixed emotions. "You said you love me, maybe you do, but you can never love me the way you loved her, Taeyeon. She's your everything, I know that and you yourself knows that!"
"She broke me, Tiffany."
"Yes she did, Taeyeon. Yes she did. But have you talked to her since she dumped you? Did she even ask for her the truth? Did you?"
She kept her mum. Of course she didn't. The moment Jessica wanted to end their relationship, she gave no definite reason. "I had enough. I think it's better that we break up."
was her last words to their commitment. Engulfed with hatred and confusion, Taeyeon couldn't even think or talk things through. She was left confused, alone, and loveless. Indulged with wrath and spitefulness, she couldn't even stand looking at Jessica. Her resent grew even more when the news revealed Jessica and Taecyeon were 'dating
', as the public assumed. Even if it was untrue, somehow the truth was unable to reach Taeyeon. Since then on, Taeyeon had never paid heed to Jessica. From that day onwards, she had decided she and Jessica were mere workmates and nothing more, not even a friend.
"Just go. Ask her the truth. Ask her why she broke up with you. Maybe you can't forgive her or accept her back into your life, but you should at least give her the chance to explain and you yourself deserve to know what's the truth." Tiffany wailed and turned her back away from Taeyeon. She couldn't look at her in the face, not in tears, especially not with a broken heart. Though it hurt, Tiffany was willing to let go. She had learned to let go, and move on. As she dragged her feet toward the stairs, a pair of arms snaked from behind and wrapped tightly around her waist. She was surely going to miss the warmth.
"Thank you. Thank you for being there for me, thank you for keeping me sane, protecting me and most importantly," Tiffany's heart was cracking with each words that slipped through Taeyeon's lips. It shattered even more when she felt the grip around her waist tightened, as if she wasn't to let go "thank you for loving me."
And so that night, Tiffany cried a river.
Feet kept pedaling in full speed, dashing here and there with her lungs burning. She was running out of breath, but she wouldn't stop until she found her
. This was it, this was the time for herself to ask, and listen. Seeking the truth that was masked for nearly more than two years. Questions roamed and assaulted her obscured mind with tons of possibilities. Maybe Jessica was bored with her, or maybe Jessica had already loved someone else.
She stopped, hands on her knees, catching her breath. She reached the supermarket but it was already closed. "Damn it. Where are you Sica?" Struggling to run, Taeyeon stumbled upon a pebble, causing her to lose balance and fell, scrapping her knees. Blood was evident, her knees were wounded and she hissed as the pain stung through her body. Dusting her wounded knees, she continued running. The pain was bearable, even though her petite body said otherwise.
Under the gloomy velvet sky, a figure across the street caught her attention. Panting, she looked around and realized where she was standing. There she was, standing behind the concrete fences, staring dejectedly to the river. She crossed the streets without waiting for the red light, causing numerous honks of complaint and cuss words here and there. Luckily, with quick reflex, she used her right hand to support her light figure as she jumped when she felt the bumper of a car came in contact with her. "Watch it you moron!" but of course, Taeyeon didn't care less.
"Jessica!" She shouted exasperatedly, still catching her breath.
"Tae - Taeyeon? Oh my God you're bleeding!"
"Why did you break up with me?" Taeyeon asked, stopping Jessica as she kneeled to observe the bloody knees. "Why? Tell me the truth."
"Please, I need to know, Jessica."
Nerves were starting to kick in. The love of her life was standing in front of her, dripping with sweat, eyes demanded an explanation. Did she came all this way to find me?
She thought. Taeyeon noticed Jessica's lips quivered; she was scared. It was her first time since the break up that she saw the ice princess shed tears in front of her. After two years, it still pained her. Involuntarily, Taeyeon brought her hands up and cupped Jessica's cheeks, wiping the fresh tears away from her face. She had to do it. She was still in love with her after all.
Jessica's eyes widened at the contact. How she missed this. How she missed Taeyeon's warmth on her. She too, brought her hand up to press Taeyeon's hand on her cheek and lightly snuggled on it. "I didn't mean to. I was scared."
"Scared of what, Jessica? Scared you'd stop loving me?" her words came out soft, but filled with pain and anxiety.
"No!" Jessica shook her head. "I'm scared of the future, Taeyeon. What if we're not meant to be? What if I'm not the one for you? What if... I... I don't know..."
"Jessica..." Taeyeon sighed as she let go of her hands off Jessica's cheeks. "Where's the Jessica I fell in love with? Who doesn't even give a shit about the future and what other people thinks? Where is she?" The brunette could only hung her head low. "I miss her. I wan her back. Jessica, I want you back. I don't know why or how did you get that paranoid attitude."
"You... You want me back?"
"I still love you. After all these years. I was stubborn as hatred got the best of me. I'm sorry I treated you bad. I couldn't deny my own feelings now. Every night and day, I can't stop thinking about you. I cried almost every night, but eventually, I became numb."
Jessica felt her heart stabbed simultaneously. She made the love of her life suffered that much. Jessica detested herself.
"Even when I'm numb, my love for you veiled it all. No matter how hard I try to erase my feelings for you, it keeps on coming back. You hurt me bad, Jessica. But deep down, I just want you to comeback to me." Taeyeon finally said it. All those painful past was thrown away as of right now, Taeyeon needed Jessica and only Jessica. Her heart was finally beating. Fragile and vulnerable, but still beating.
How Jessica just wanted to scream 'yes!' and just pulled the girl to her embrace was tempting, but another thing - person, came across her mind. "But Taeyeon, what about Tiffany?"
"I... Loved her." it hit Jessica hard. "I think, I'm not sure. I'm not sure if it's love, or just a feeling of gratitude. I mean, I do care about her, but... It's different." She groaned, she was unsure of how to put it into words. "I don't know, Jessica. I don't think it's love. Maybe it is, but..." her voice trailed off, Jessica was about to explode. Was Taeyeon having second thoughts? "I can never love her the way I loved you. Because you're the one, Jessica. Only you."
That was all Jessica needed to hear. She cried, cries of relief. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for being so stupid, so foolish and so inconsiderate. I - I'm so sorry. I - I - I love you, Taeyeon!" and she kept on wailing, sobbing, and sniffling. She hiccuped because of her own tears, and Taeyeon smiled at the witty sight. Cute
Taeyeon walked closer to her, narrowing the space between them. She brought her hands up and pulled Jessica's hoodie up, covering their heads before placing her lips onto Jessica's. Sparks ignited, hearts mended, and feelings became mutual. Under the gleaming street lights, two figures stood there, covered with their hoodies, not wanting to let go, not giving a single care of the world. "I love you, Taengoo." Jessica whispered.
"You're my life now." the shorter lad replied simply. "I can't promise things won't be broken, but I swear I will never leave."
"I won't, I won't ever leave you again." Jessica said, looking straight to Taeyeon's eyes passionately before locking her lips onto her lover's once again. "The stakes are high, the water's rough, but this love is ours."